one see boyfriend every day

two see boyfriend every other day

three see boyfriend every weekend

four see boyfriend every other weekend

five.. hey wait a minute why did I not see this before. Why do we not realize a pattern until it is to late?  That is when I decided that  I need to change what I took in.. Not my food no but what I allowed in my life in general that cased a lot of damage. well, I considered this a good diet a way to pull yourself away especially if you are ina situation like mine... I mean really I am tired of telling people that my relationship is complicated. I am more tired of trying to sort it out to tell it to them. It takes a while to realize that there are no complicated realtionships I told my self the only thing that is complicated is the man..thus he makes the realtionship  complicated... not! So how long will this diet last. well I thought about it and when we remove things from our diet that are not good for us our completion gets better, we have more energy, we gain weight, we establish new relationships and mend the old. HUMMM to me that sounds like something that I prefer. i would not rather lose weight and cry all day and lose my friends and avoid making new for fear he will get jealous...Yeah this is something to avoid at all cost. I think that I am  staying on this diet for a while I will now make it a part of my routine. I am not going to lie and say that I just cam up with it all of a sudden. Of course not. He helped, unbeknownst to him he did. well it doesn't matter because I am much happier at times  and so I realize that I have not lost anything during this diet but gained. Besidesduring a diet you can always find a supplement" to replace what you Lost.  Hey I like that.. I need a better supplement, but you have to search for the right one because all of them do not produce the same results and believe me you do not want ot find the one that will cause you to have to look again..

I had given up on my fiances values for a while..u know... we all get lost and than we come back...what a loving god to receive us back every time.  But today my honey and I were talking about the kind of woman a man is truly searching for.  He confirmed the old saying that all men truly want a woman that they can take home to their mother. Someone who attends church and has it together you know.  Well I did know what he was talking about because I feel that I am this type of woman. We also talked about the way that a woman should dress and he and I are into agreement that my style of dressing will have to change to fit my new job.   He also told me that all of my dresses were no longer appropriate.  He feels they are way to short....... which may be so...... but to throw them all away...Some still have the tags on them.  I guess I really have no say over what really happens to them because everything that I own is at his house in storage. I must admit I was feeling some type away about this ......and I let it be known to him, but I did not want to go back on the compromise that we made just the night before.

That is not the only thing that he and I discussed. I knew that my whole attitude has been changing and he brought it to my attention.  I told him that I really miss going to church and I know that it is taking a toll on me and my attitude.  I know this is no excuse for the way that I have treated him or other people.   I know that by going to church it is a reminder of the good in myself and the good in other people.  I told him that I would work on it and I know that I will try my best. I do not want to disappoint him nor do I want to disappoint God.  I was going to do it tomorrow but than I thought to my self why not do it today?

I came back after my brothers funeral and I felt that I did not cry enough.  I have been really hard on my self because I did not cry as much as I thought I would have. I know there is no amount of tears that should be cried but I have been feeling guilty ever since then.  I know my brother would not want me feeling this way.... but don't I have a right to how I feel.  I must say that since I am working on being closer to Jesus, I have handled my sadness a little better.  I am really proud of my self.  I really though that My depression would get the best of me and that I wold not be able to pull my self out, but I guess I have been preparing my heart and Jesus has prepared my soul.  I wanted god to speak life into my brothers body, as he had done to mine, when I was battling my own illness. When I was only beginning my walk I would have probably blamed god... but now I know better.  I am much stronger than what I thought I would be.  I needed to be strong for my family.  I must apologize to my brother because I allowed my anger to get the best of me.  The devil knew this was the time to attack my heart when I would be acceptable to a lot of things... do to the fact that I was caught off guard.  But he did not know that God is always guarding my heart when I least expect it. So this is where my guilt comes in.  The devil worked in the hearts of two individuals at the funeral who did not come to pay their respects, but with the intent to fight my fiance. I could have been the bigger person and walked away but things were happening to fast.  I ask forgiveness my dear loving brother and I will for my sake and the sake of my soul make things right.  I know he would want this as much as I do.  I have to get my soul together, because I know I will see these people again...I know there is a place in heaven just for me and and I will in no way endanger my place with God.  I am working so hard to maintain my place and I will continue to do so.